Beautiful

Last night as I was getting into my car, my eyes saw this unbelievable sunset.  The rays bursting forth across the sky, the colors dancing through the light - it was a sight truly beyond words.  Thus I grabbed my camera and attempted to snap few pictures of the unbelievable beauty.  This is one of the ways in which God speaks to me - through scenes in His creation that leave me breathless from their fleeting and majestic beauty.

Thoughts for a Wednesday

Grrr...I am so mad at my computer.  I was in the middle of composing my post when inevitably some error occurred that wiped out some of my thoughts!! The nerve....so apologies if this isn't a very good post - blame it on my pc...

But life must go on I suppose, so without further ado, here are some thoughts for this week's edition of Thoughts for a Wednesday.

1 - April 13th!  That's the date that Deadliest Catch premieres!  I am so excited, though very sad because one of the main captains, Captain Phil Harris, passed away during the filming of this season.  It is one of those rare times that a reality show becomes actually real.  Maybe that is why I love this show so much - its authenticity versus the stories that other "reality" shows can create through careful editing.

2 - While I am talking about TV shows, I have to mention Lost and how I can't believe that there are only 6 episodes left.  That seems so unreal to me.  Will we ever figure out who is good and who is evil?  Will there be any concrete answers given to us, the ones loyal enough to stay with this show through all the mysteries and questions because we knew that an ending would come?  Or are we being set up for a non-ending, something along the lines of Sayid "I don't feel anything...", no more pain or joy or anger at the mysteries of the show, but just numbed to oblivion by all the ones left unanswered?

3 - And also I just want to give a shout out to "Kell on Earth", the reality TV show that just concluded on Bravo based upon Kelly Cutrone and her business, People's Revolution.  I think you either love or hate Kelly.  I happen to be in the camp that really likes her (to be honest, I have to admit that I have loved her ever since her appearance on "The Hills" - she was one of the best things about that show with her no bs attitude).  She really is a remarkable businesswoman, with an amazing combination of both vision and implementation, which has made her very successful.

4 - Speaking of women and business, I just recently finished reading this book called Flux: Women on Sex, Work, Love, Kids, and Life in a Half-Changed World.  I read it on recommendation from my two best friends, and it really was a mind-bender.  I'll save my review for another post, but suffice to say that it made me think a lot about the life decisions that I face as a woman in my late twenties, approaching thirties.

5 - So in other news, I have started another blog, this one dedicated to all things style and fashion and my thoughts and outfits that I choose to post.   I've just been reading too many of these fashion blogs for my own good, because obviously they have inspired me to start my own.  So come stop by Small Time Style when you get a chance and leave a comment or two or become a follower if you'd like!  Any and all suggestions for posts are more than welcome!

6 - I am Number 4 in my office NCAA tourney pool and the ONLY one to have picked Duke to win the championship.  SO I potentially have a shot at emerging as the winner of the office pool.  It is an admittedly loooonggg shot, but it's as close as I've ever gotten in my office pool (with the exception of winning the first round of picks one year) and would mark the second time in my life that I would win in my pool!  If you hear a loud shout of "WAHOO" come next Monday, my apologies in advance.

7 - It seemed as if I blinked and Easter is already this weekend!  Last Sunday was Palm Sunday, and one of the traditions of the Catholic Church is that every Palm Sunday we read the Passion of Christ.  The congregation participates in the actual reading, which is always poignant for me, for it reminds me that I too was one of the crowd yelling "Crucify him!" to Pilate when he wanted to release Jesus.  It happened that I was just finishing the book of Mark at the same time and so read the Passion again the next morning.  This time in reading it, I was struck at how easily Pilate gives in to the crowd.  I know that Jesus's purpose for taking on human form was to bring us salvation, but it struck me that Pilate could have not given in to the demands of the Pharisees and others who wanted to kill Jesus.  Pilate could have stepped in and saved an innocent man - he KNEW that Jesus was innocent - and yet he washes his hands, saying that Jesus's blood is on the Jews.  His indifference to an innocent man's fate and willingness to give in to a crowd just makes me wonder about myself and the world that I live in.  Would I be willing to save an innocent man even if it went against everyone's wishes?

8 - Lots of thoughts this Wednesday!  One more for today - if you've been reading this blog for any length of time at all, you know that from time to time I like to give my thoughts on foreign affairs and various international relations.  The recent wave of suicide bombings in Russia have me concerned and wondering how Russia's reaction to these latest bombings is going to affect the greater world balance and what actions they are going to take to stop "the terrorists".  But this is a case of journalists choosing words - are these suicide bombers terrorists or are they Chechen freedom fighters?  Separatists longing for their own freedom and territory or people bent on inflicting destruction on others for no good reason?  Check out Kevin Sites' video on Chechnya that he filmed while on his "In the Hot Zone" documentary and then form your thoughts.

And that's it folks!  Coming soon, a book review on Flux and maybe a couple other pictures that I snapped last week.  And who knows - maybe I'll have some thoughts on another day than just Wednesday!

Strength, Vulnerability, and Beauty

A couple of snowstorms ago I had the chance to go see the Alvin Ailey Dance Company perform at the Kennedy Center, which I posted a video for a few posts ago.  But as wonderful as a video is, it doesn't describe the feelings I had while experiencing the performance.  True, it lets you formulate your own thoughts and feelings, but until you see them perform in person, I don't know if you truly experience the performance.

The dancing was unlike anything I had ever seen before.  It showcased the human body in all of its intended glory - muscular and strong with control over every single movement.  And each movement was the epitome of both grace and beauty.  From traditional ballet moves to yoga-like poses, all incorporated into one piece, the body moving with a fluidity that was awe-inspiring and truly beyond words.

And then there came a moment within the performance in which it reached out, broke the fourth wall, and offered me and the audience, a piece of the dancer himself - a piece of his heart, open and vulnerable, out there on a stage, for everyone to experience and see and touch.  It was during a dance to spoken word, and the words combined with the movements broke through to me, directly into my heart.

It could have been interpreted as one of the corniest moments of the show, but it was one of the most vulnerable.  Because it takes strength to be that vulnerable.  To open and share your heart, your passion, a piece of your identity in such a broad and beautiful way - that takes incredible strength.

There was also the beauty in seeing the human body in all of its intended glory.  Saint Iraneus said that "The glory of God is man fully alive" and each Alvin Ailey dancer showcased this truth.  Their dancing was a true echo of God, showcasing His glory.  They were fully alive in beauty, in strength, in vulnerability and they gave me a gift in being able to experience that joy.

Book Review: Where is God When it Hurts?

Where Is God When It Hurts? by Philip Yancey

My rating: 5 of 5 stars
I believe this book should be an absolute must-read for anyone who professes the Christian faith.

A sentence like that usually rings hollow to me, but honestly, there is nothing hollow about this book. I wish I could physically take the words from the pages and permanently implant them in my brain because there is so much truth to them.

The main point of the book is about suffering and pain and it attempts to address some of the common questions about the subject - why is there suffering, how do you deal with suffering people, what are the ramifications of suffering, how do we do even more damage to suffering people?

Yancey begins his book by explaining the benefits of physical pain by taking us on a journey through the lives of lepers who, because of their disease, no longer feel any pain - and the damage that occurs to them because they can't feel pain. From there the book delves into where is God in suffering, examples of suffering people, and then flourishes into an explanation of how God has suffered, the hope that we have in spite of our suffering, how we can use suffering to transform our lives, and why Christianity - of all the world religions - is particularly equipped to handle suffering.

Yancey limits his tome to just dealing with people in physical pain and suffering. He mentions mental anguish only in how it relates to the physical pain of people and how it causes them to question a loving God, and not as a subject in and of itself, but the lessons and advice that he draws from dealing with people in physical pain can certainly be brought to those that deal with emotional and mental pain and suffering.

What I loved most about this book is the reminder to Christians of the hope inherent in the resurrection that allows us to cope with suffering. That death is Not the end, and death doesn't need to be "accepted" - death is painful and hurts, but because of Jesus, it has been overcome, and because of Jesus we get to share in that victory. I also loved how Yancey reminds us that for a moment in time, God put on flesh in the person of Jesus and came to this earth, and suffered with us. Every time that Jesus encountered a suffering person, He not only healed them, but He also transformed them. And now we have the Holy Spirit, God within us, who hears our suffering groans and brings them to the feet of the Father and Son.

The other thing that I loved about this book is how it gives advice on how to help suffering people. You cannot go through life without encountering suffering people, and Christians, in particular, are called to be the body of Christ to these individuals. But how do we, imperfect people with even more imperfect words, help the suffering? It is a hard question that Yancey addresses with particular insight and I feel better equipped for it.

My only wish is that I had read this book a long time ago, for I've seen, lived with, and tried to walk through suffering with a lot of people. I just hope that going forward I will be able to overcome my own revulsion to pain and suffering and walk alongside those broken hearts and bodies, offering the real and true hope of Christ to those I have yet to encounter.

View all my reviews >>

Undone

All I can say at the outset of this post is that I hope I can capture the magnitude of all that is inside me right now - all that I am learning, and all that I have learned - about my Creator and how real He is to me these days. 

And part of me hesitates to go forth and proceed with this post.  It frankly feels awkward to write about my experiences with God.  Shouldn't I just write about, expound upon some of the awesome experiences I had last month?  Write about Red Bull BC One, or any of the other many wonderful things I got to experience?  Or crafting another tale about how there was a second mouse this past Monday?  Sure - I could do that.  But it would also be hollow and shirking one of the important aspects of this blog to me, which is to share a little that God is doing in my life.

Frankly, He has undone me.

Today in particular, I am feeling especially vulnerable to His love.  I don't know if it was the blue sky with white clouds, or the barren beauty of the trees in winter, or seeing these pictures of some friends of mine who have gone through a mighty struggle to bring their family together, or the post that accompanied the pictures, or reflecting on the true power and hope of the resurrection during my morning reading time, or processing through the meaning of suffering with the help of Philip Yancey in his wonderful tome, "Where is God When it Hurts?" during my lunch hour.

Perhaps the feelings of my heart are best summed up in this quote: "Every experience of beauty points to eternity." ~ Hans Urs Von Balthasar

How do I put into words the way my heart leaps when it sees a barren tree?  When that tree reminds me of the complicated beauty of life that lies underneath all the gloss and greenness of the leaves?  That the twisting beauty of each branch is like a thread that reminds me of my own complicated twists and turns.

How do I share the tears that spring forth when I read these following words from Philip Yancey's book on suffering and wonder if in my "Christian" sophistication I too have lost the power and hope of the resurrection and fail to share that with all those that I interact with?:

"On the day before Thanksgiving of 1983, Martha died. Her body, crumpled, misshapen, atrophied, was a pathetic imitation of its former beauty.  When it finally stopped functioning, Martha left it.  But today Martha lives, in a new body, in wholeness and triumph.  She lives because of the victory that Christ won and because of His 'body' at Reba Place, who made that victory known to her.  And if we do not believe that, and if our Christian hope, tempered by sophistication, does not allow us to offer that Truth to a dying, convulsing world then we are indeed, as the apostle Paul said, of all men most miserable."

How often I forget that Truth in my life.  That the hurts in my life, the wounds of my heart, will be healed and made anew.  And that this is the power of the resurrection - this life isn't the end.  Yes, we can begin living eternally here and now, but the wounds, the suffering, that we accumulate along the path are not the end.

This journey is filled with so many twists and turns.  In the span of one year I have gone from the lowest of lows to the highest of heights - and yet, my Father was there in all of it - even in His silences and distance.  And the thing is, unknowingly to me, Christ transformed my suffering.  He used it to reach a place of depth that I rarely visit on my own.  And because of that discovered depth, I feel the peace of His blessings to a greater degree than I ever have before.

How do I share with you, reader, the oppressive darkness and despair that covered my soul this past summer?  How do I explain the feelings of a broken heart from dashed, wrecked, ruined hope?  Praying desperate prayers, clinging to a thread of faith, though every logical fiber in my being said "what's the point?" and "is this even real?" How this was the second time in my life in which I have had a real crisis of faith?

And then how do I explain praying daily for my Lord to strengthen my hope just a few months later and rejoicing beyond words in the life that I have been blessed with?

I am so thankful.  Thankful for all that the Holy Spirit has revealed to my heart lately.  Thankful that in every experience of beauty that I have been blessed to go through, He has spoken to that hurt heart and given it healing, revealing a little of Himself in each instance.  Thankful that He was (and is) in every smile from a friend.  Thankful for a wonderful family that is as constant in their presence as He is.  Thankful that He is teaching me about real forgiveness, humility, suffering, and most of all love in all of these things - A true love that knows me - that sustained me through the dark.

So, here, at the end of this post, I hope that I have been able to communicate some of the true majesty and true mystery of my Lord.  He has undone me this year - in more ways than I will ever be able to explain here - and I will keep praising His Name, thanking Him for doing so.

Only 2 Posts...

*Sigh*

I wish I could say that I foresee more time for blogging in the future, but next month is going to be a whirlwind of chaos with seemingly everything happening all at once.  But I am sad that I have only gotten to this forum twice in the entire month.  So much has been happening within my life and my thoughts and heart and I wish I had some time to chronicle it, but oh well.  It is what it is.  Now is not the season for blogging.

But, just to run through a few of the things on my mind lately....

1 - THE YANKEES ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES!!!!!!!!!  And all is right with the world.  I can hardly watch the games from fear that I will have a heart attack/jinx my team from winning.  Every single pitch is a tense moment - on both sides!  And this is probably the best baseball that I have watched in a long, long, long time.  Good pitching will always prevail over amazing hitting.  And blown umpire calls are a part of the game - always have been, always will be - as long as both sides get blown calls evenly!

2 - Afghanistan and Pakistan - Every single day this situation gets worse and worse.  My heart breaks for the people living there, caught in the middle of this conflict.  And there are no easy answers on how to deal with either nation.  Half of Pakistan and Afghanistan want to be ruled by the Taliban again.  But the fact that the State Department and the White House would consider this an acceptable resolution (letting the Taliban become the governing body) is sickening from a human rights standpoint.  Not that what is currently happening is not sickening as well though.  There are no easy answers here and historically speaking, there is no way to win a guerrilla war when the population in general wants you gone.

3 - I am so excited for this coming November!  I am going to get to experience so many amazing things from concerts with classical music masters, alternative rock concerts, the premiere b-boy hip-hop dance event of the year, and a few plays here and there.  The creative part of my brain doesn't even know how to process all of these coming awesome events!

4 - The leaves are gorgeous right now, though there are a lot of trees that are now bare!! It makes me sad that the dark winter months of bare trees and cold are ahead - though there can be beauty found within them as well - but you have to look really hard for it.  For now, I will revel in the ending of fall as these particular last days are a showcase of God's creation in all of its glory.  Hopefully, as I age and grow closer to death my life will be a reflection of the beauty of God's creation in all of its glory as well.

5 - A family reunited is a beautiful thing.  My sister is home from Australia for the next few months and I wish I could put into words the completeness there is in having her home.  There really aren't words.

There is more, much more that is also going on, including the restoration of my heart and soul after a particularly hard summer.  I hope that at some point I get to process and digest in further detail, but I can say that I know - truly, deeply know - that God loves me.  His love is more profound than I can even describe and I am so grateful that He has blessed the eyes of my heart to see that realization.

Again, there really aren't words.

On Community

**I wanted to share a post from my other little blog corner of the world, Ruminations and Reflections. I loved this piece a lot and thought that I might as well post on here as well.**

I am still making my way through the gem that is "The Only Necessary Thing" by Henri Nouwen. I love this piece on community that I read the other day. It is so true - I often think that in each person is God's creation and therefore a reflection of Himself. Here is the piece for your enjoyment.

The Mosaic that Makes God Visible
Nothing is sweet or easy about community. Community is a fellowship of people who do not hide their joys and sorrows but make them visible to each other in a gesture of hope. In community we say: "Life is full of gains and losses, joys and sorrows, ups and downs - but we do not have to live it alone. We want to drink our cup together and thus celebrate the truth that the wounds of our individual lives, which seem intolerable when lived alone, become sources of healing when we live them as part of a fellowship of mutual care."

Community is like a large mosaic. Each little piece seems so insignificant. One piece is bright red, another cold blue or dull green, another warm purple, another sharp yellow, another shining gold. Some look precious, others ordinary. Some look valuable, others worthless. Some look gaudy, others delicate. As individual stones, we can do little with them except compare them and judge their beauty and value. When, however, all these little stones are brought together in one big mosaic portraying the face of Christ, who would ever question the importance of any one of them? If one of them, even the least spectacular one, is missing, the face is incomplete. Together in the one mosaic, each little stone is indispensable and makes a unique contribution to the glory of God. That's community, a fellowship of little people who together make God visible in the world.

~ Henri Nouwen

Time and Choice

"Choice signifies love....God chose you because He loves you." ~ Father Gregory

I heard that quote when I was in college and a couple of weeks ago I feel as if I gained a new understanding of the power of the choices that I make.

A few weeks ago I had to go and help out with a golf tournament that my boss had "volunteered" me for. Honestly, I didn't mind, because it meant that I got to spend a work day outside instead of trapped inside, sitting in my little cube which is my world day in and day out. The only downside was that I had to get up before dawn (4am) and leave my house at 5:15am in order to make it to the golf course by 6am. Major ugh for this girl who needs to sleep in the morning and has a specific routine of getting up, making coffee, has her quiet time, makes her bed, gets ready, and then leaves for work - a usual 2hr process. Well given the fact that I had to be out of the house by 5:15am, this routine had to be cut short and the only thing that was allotted the time in the morning was making the bed and getting ready for "work".

I ended up being at the golf course from 6am to around 2:30, 3:00pm - a long day out in the hot sun. I then stopped in at my regular office to answer emails, check voicemails and handle anything that had come up throughout the day. Leaving there around 5:00pm, I then headed home for a quick shower and then over to mom and dad's for dinner. I was there for a few hours and then headed home to watch the Season Finale of Deadliest Catch. I finally made my way to bed around 10pm and was out like a light.

The thing was, when I woke up the next day, I realized that I had gone a full 18 hour day without spending any time with God. An 18 Hour Day!! A day in which I was up for 18 hours out of 24, I didn't "find" the time to spend some in prayer and with my Lord.

I often find myself wishing for more time - "If only I had the time to do that" or "I wish there were more hours in the day" to do miscellaneous things. But the one day in which I was awake for more than the majority of it, I didn't "find" the time to do all that I wanted to do. And what that made me realize is that it doesn't matter how much time you have, or how many waking hours you have, but the choices that you make with that particular time. In a day in which I had an abundance of "time" I made choices and decisions to not spend any of that time specifically set apart for me and my Lord.

This was enlightening to me and brought a whole new depth to the word and concept of choice and time for me. Even if I had an abundance of time, I could still make choices that would keep me apart from God. It's the choice that I make of what to do with my time that is important. In that respect, choice does indeed signify love.

Surrender of Suffering

Last week, you almost got a very depressing post from the vast vaults of my mind. I was in a deep, dark depression, suffering from a confluence of events that ended up all culminating in these past few weeks of summer. It truly felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest still beating and aflame, a la' Temple of Doom. It was real pain and real hurt mingled with self-pity and lack of understanding, which in general does not sit well with the analytical and logical half of mind.

Yet in the midst of the suffering and doubt in my hurt, I decided that I needed to surrender it what I was holding on to at the foot of the Cross, the altar of the Cross and leave it there along with all the tears and heartache. And in doing so, peace began to find its way to me and my heart.

Peace that comes from an act of kindness from a friend from whom I never expected such kindness. Peace that comes from being with other people and talking about the Truths of God. Peace that comes from fellowship and friendship and laughter. In surrendering and letting go of the suffering that washed over me like a tidal wave, God allowed peace to flow back into the crevices of hurt, healing as it swept through, and interacted with me through friendship and fellowship.

And in His mercy, His grace, He allowed me to experience great encouragement through one of the things that had given me such doubt and heartache. What a Redeemer.

Truly, I have only begun to scratch the surface of this journey with and within Christ.


*PS - Clearly, I must not be in such the doldrums of despair anymore as the above picture makes me laugh!! Picture, hyperbole is thy name :).*

Lord of Miracles

God is into miracles. Little ones. Big ones. Ones that require only a little bit of faith. Ones that require a mountain range plus Mt. Everest of faith. Ones in which it requires a little prayer. Ones in which a whole community rises up and surrounds a person or event with prayer. There are not many things that I am sure of, but of this I am - God is into miracles.

Two of my friends from college have been on an incredibly arduous journey of faith in trying to adopt two Ethiopian children. They have been on this journey for about two years. Two years of heartache, yearning, pain, obstacles, and now, insurmountable joy. For finally, FINALLY, the last leg of the journey is over and they are now currently on their way, journeying toward their children, ready to bring them home and start the family that God has created. He has been so unbelievably faithful to them, it brings tears to my eyes. And their faithfulness to Him is an epic tale of two people refusing to give up hope and to cry out to Him in the obstacles, in the pain. I invite you to take a look at some of their previous posts on their blog, Every Bitter Thing is Sweet. I have been praying for them and this journey for months now and to see how the insurmountable obstacles just melted away these past few weeks is beyond any description that I can give.

Some of my other dear friends just celebrated the one-year birthday of their daughter - a daughter who was born with serious heart defects and has, in her one year of life, already had multiple heart surgeries. Yet this sweet, beautiful little girl is the picture of health, love, and joy and again, the testament to how a community surrounded an impossible situation with prayers and how our Mighty Lord answered and gave us her life as a living reminder of His miracles.

Then there are the little miracles that the Lord of Lazy Susans, and now apparently Leather Couches, creates, reminding me of His sense of humor and how He can be involved in the little details of our life.

I need one more miracle though and I must ask you, whoever reads this, to pray with me for a friend of mine. She recently lost her mother and is so, so lost spiritually, mentally, and physically. I worry and fear for her, but I also know that I can have hope for her because of who God is and how He can work miracles. But this is a miracle that needs community, and so I am asking you to please keep my friend in your prayers. Pray for healing, for peace of mind, for strength to continue living through her pain, and that her physical needs would be met (she is in search of a job, home, insurance, etc.). And please pray for those of us walking with her through this, that we would have wisdom in what to say and what not to say, how to listen, and yet how to speak Truth into her life. My sincerest, heartfelt thanks to you. And Thank You Lord of Miracles.

**PS, Note on the Picture - I actually took this photograph one day as I was driving my country roads around lovely Fauquier county. Isn't it beautiful! It reminds me of God :).**

The Lord of Lazy Susans

Scene: Lauren is packing her things up after another long day at work. She looks at her watch - 7:55pm. *Sigh* She makes her way downstairs, for the final office check-through to make sure that everything is locked up so that she can set the alarm. As she walks down the hall to go out to the warehouse to double-check that everything is turned off and locked up, she notices a light on in one of her coworker's office. As she makes her way over to turn off the light, she is surprised to find another coworker still there...

Me: "Oh! Hey D, I didn't know you were still here!"
D: "Yep, just finishing up on a few things for some customers."
(Lauren and D chat for a little bit...talking about the designs that she's working on, the customers that she's working with, how hard it can be to work with some people, the inane requests that come in...)
D: "Oh, let me tell you the story about this one guy about a week ago. This guy phones in. He is looking for one piece of a lazy susan that Cardell manufactures. I tell him that we might have one in the back warehouse, and to let me go check. So, I go in the back, and climb up a ladder to see if we have this piece, and lo and behold it is there. It is covered in dust, spiders, cobwebs - disgusting. But, we have the piece. So I call the guy back, and tell him that he is in luck, we do actually have this piece that he is looking for, and he can have it for free if he cleans it himself. He agrees. So I sit the piece up front, with his name on it, and expect that to be the last of the situation. Well, when the guy comes in, he asks to see me. I am, like "great, what does he need now? I don't have time to deal with this, grumble, grumble, grumble". But I go up and meet with him, and he asks me if he can speak to me in private."
Me: "What? Uh oh..."
D: "I know. I figure that he is going to try to sell me Amway - which is a pyramid scheme from back in the day. So, we go back to my office and I shut the door, and he starts crying!"
Me: "What!? Seriously??"
D: "Yes! He starts crying, and then he asks me if I am a Christian, and I say yes. He then tells me that he had been praying for two weeks for this lazy susan part, because he really needed it to sell his house and he didn't know what he was going to do, and that I must have been sent by God to answer his prayers!"
Me: "What!?" Looking up to the ceiling/heavens "Seriously, Lord?? Really, seriously?? I've been praying for a husband for two years, and this guy prays for a lazy susan for two weeks and gets it?? You've gotta be kidding me."

The Moral of the Story? Obviously, I should have prayed a little harder for the white chocolate creme brulee to be found last week at Girls' Night so that we could have all received a free dinner. And that the Yankees need to be in my prayers as well.

Trust and Masks

There are two things for a woman that sometimes can be a wilderness to navigate - one is her hair, and the other her face. And sometimes, when one goes through harrowing experiences relating to these features - at the same time you are learning a lot from God - you learn a lesson or two that sticks with you. I recently was the beneficiary of two such lessons, and as such, I felt as if I should share them with the world wide web.

I love my hair - it is one of the few features that I possess that I genuinely like. Most of the time. You could say that my hair is an extension of myself. It has a mind of it's own and can be pretty stubborn. But in the hands of a professional (which I am not), it can look gorgeous, and I can look in the mirror and say, "I LOVE it" and really genuinely mean it. And I will pay what I need to pay to in order for it be chopped and changed by experienced hands. It is an indulgence that I give in to every three or four months, or right about the time that I am ready to shave my head, a la' Britney.

The stylist that I have been going to for the past four years since I've lived in Warrenton is probably the only straight male hairdresser out there that can pull off leather pants and long hair. I love him. He is my hair guru. The moment he cut my hair the first time and I found out that he is one degree away from Nick Arrojo, my hair god from "What Not to Wear", (he used to be Nick's colorist!), I was sold. So I usually just sit in the chair and tell him in general terms to do whatever, and away he goes. He is like a sculptor and it is in the moments that I am sitting the chair and he is looking at my Chia-pet head, that I revel in watching the creative process come alive. He comes up with the vision and then "bam" it is done and beautiful. I love the whole process, my whole time at the salon. It is a wonderful experience. Usually.

This past Friday I went in to get some highlights, which I have done from time to time. But when it comes to color and my hair, I am not bold. I am very, very conservative. I like it to look very, very natural - almost so that you don't notice the highlights. Nothing to rock the boat. But this was not to be on Friday. Nope, when I sat down in the chair, I was given two choices - platinum blonde or really, really red. I was scared and very, very nervous. I was kind of hemming and hawing, but I made mention that at one point he had done some auburn reddish highlights which were cool, and instantly my decision was made for me - "We're going with cool!" - when in fact I was going to say to go with blonde. Too late.

So, I nervously sat there watching my stylist mix the color. One shake, two shakes, three shakes, FOUR shakes, FIVE shakes - mix! I knew that the more color being put into the bowl, the more intense this was going to be. But I sat in my chair, smiling and chatting away, as if I didn't have a care in the world, while inside I was like, "what have I done??"

When it came time to take out the foils, the poor girl who was taking the foils out and washing my head had her hands stained bright pink. I walked back to the chair, looked at the mirror, and my eyes must have gotten wide as a chipmunk because staring back at me was a wet-headed mop of brown and bright pink streaks throughout my entire head of hair. I was shocked. My stylist loved it. In fact, all the stylists there at the salon loved it! And I thought briefly maybe I should just take up residence at the salon and never leave, because I didn't know who else would love it! After drying my hair, I literally said to my stylist, "I feel like a rockstar" to which he was ecstatic. And off to work I had to go.

Needless to say, my new do definitely got some looks and remarks at work. Myself, I didn't know whether to burst into tears or to laugh about it or to love it. The turning point was the remark from my boss who said that he was proud of me for taking such a risk with my hair - to which I thought, "am I really that boring?" And the more that I looked at it, the more I came to embrace it and love it. And over the course of the next couple of days the bright pink faded into some bright deep red highlights which I now absolutely love and adore. Because there is a part of me, that most people don't see, that loves to take a risk and surprise others and myself.

And this is what was revealed to me through this whole experience. I went into my salon that morning fully trusting whatever my stylist was going to do, because he can rarely do any wrong in my eyes (at least when it comes to my hair). In the midst of the process, when he gave me my two options, my trust was shaken. At the end of my time at the salon, highlights in and done, I was shaken to my core and doubting everything that had been done. But as I continued through the process, gauging my own reactions to the mirror, as well as people's encouraging comments, I came to realize that I had nothing to fear. My hair looked awesome and my trust was rewarded.

How often do I doubt God when He asks me to trust Him? Very often. I sit in that chair, looking at Him, wondering what in the flippin' world I have allowed Him to do. I get up, questioning myself, my entire identity, wondering what I have done. But if I continue to journey on, how much more often do I find that all along, I was right in trusting my Lord, that He has worked an amazing thing in my life, and I find that I know and love Him that much more? What other things are there that I am too scared to experience because I don't want to rock the boat; I don't want to take the risk? I think I have hit a vein, a theme for this year. If last year was "Change" in all shapes and sizes, I believe that this year is "Risk and Trust".

The other thing that happened was that I was so out of it the other morning (actually because I was thinking about my hair and trust issues), that I literally walked out of my house, got in my car, was ten minutes into my commute, on the highway ramp when I suddenly realized that I had not put on a single bit of makeup. I was horrified. My brain raced for what my solution was going to be - do I spend $40+ on a new set of makeup?? Do I have time to go to a drugstore and do that (that would have been no, as I was running late)?? Do I/Can I turn around and go home?? Again, no dice - already on the highway, with no where to turn around. So I had to resolve myself to facing the day with all my facial flaws exposed to the world.

The thing is, I really came into the makeup game late, and I am by no means a master of it. I went years without wearing any makeup and I was fine. But I have found that now that I put it on everyday, I can't go out of my house without it on my face. Even if it's just the basic essentials of mascara and blush, I can't go without it. I need it to mask my flaws!

So, to go to work, without any makeup on to mask those flaws, was extremely hard and horrifying - and yet liberating. I had forgotten my mask, so all I could do was smile and laugh. That was the only thing I had for my face. There was a lot of power in realizing that my flaws were exposed for the whole world to see, and there was nothing I could about it.

Because, how often do we put on masks to find our flaws? And how much harder is it when those masks are revealed for the falsehoods that they are? For me, I see masks up everywhere. Masks and walls that people can't let go, can't let down, and thus miss out on what real and fulfilling life is like. A couple of posts ago, I wrote about what success means to me. I think the way that my Enemy wants me to think about success is just another mask that I would put on to the whole world - just another lie, to hide all the flaws and turmoil of my real life and heart. If I was the CEO of a Fortune 500 company that would certainly make me look good and cool and smart in the eyes of a lot of people. But behind that appearance, what would really be there? Would that really be a real and fulfilling life for me? No, not really - not for this chick. And I would say that's probably the truth for a lot of other people as well - especially those that have achieved their success, and once there, they find that this appearance, this success was a lie the entire time.

I don't want to live my life hiding behind masks. And I love how God used me forgetting to hide my facial flaws as a way to reaffirm and remind me of what really matters - that smile on my face. That's real.

Measurements of Success

When I was a senior in high school, a select group of seniors were voted on for class "superlatives", which is really a sham vote for people who are known throughout your class for their particular quirks, attributes, or popularity. Much to my surprise (especially thinking about it today), I was the girl candidate who was voted "Most Likely to Succeed", which in retrospect, probably should have just been named "Most Likely to Remain a Nerd for Life", because that would have been more accurate! But nine, almost ten years (Lord help me), from that point in my life, I started wondering if my classmates looked at my life today, if they would take away that superlative.

The other thing that got me thinking about success and its measurement is that I recently got an email from the UVA Reunions committee (because our Reunions weekend is coming up this June), that had snippets of the lives of some of the "classmates" that graduated with me. One of them read, "So and So went to Harvard's Government school, then during her summer break decided to start a new UN NGO, and is now negotiating for world peace" or something of the like. Most of the other snippets were along those lines as well. Over-achieving UVA students...

This all got me thinking about success. What do I define success as? And I found that in thinking this over, this is a really important question to ask and figure out, because there are SO many different ways to define "success" for a person, depending on what you want to evaluate.

Do I define success based on what I do? Do I define it by what my peers at UVA have done? Those that I graduated from FHS? Do I define it by what my family thinks? By what my boss thinks? What about my friends? My coworkers? Is success defined by my passion? What if I have many passions? Is it defined by the level of education that I have received so far? If I get an MBA or a PhD, does that up my level of success? What about the way I look? If I can get myself to be a size 6, am I then a success? If I by a miracle of God get married, will I be a success then? Or if I have children and raise a family, am I successful? Is success defined by the position or title I hold at the office? The number of hours I work a week?

The list of questions could on and on, drilling endlessly into every little aspect of my life! Is success measured by how clean I keep my house? By how cute it looks? What about my car? Is success measured by the car I drive?

Then what about my life as a Christian? Is success there defined by how many quiet times I have? Or even if I have a quiet time? Is it measured by the number of small groups I participate in, or the number of "Christian" books I read? Is it defined by whether or not I agree with this person's theology or that person's? Is it measured by whether or not I go to Mass? Go to confession? Go to church at all? Is it measured by whether or not I participate in all the various activities that are put on by the church or Young Life? What about Young Life? What is success there? The number of kids that convert to Christ? The number of kids that show up at all? The numbers that go to camp? The numbers that keep coming after camp?

They go on and on and on. And in the midst of asking all these questions, I had to come to heart of the question - my own heart and what is that heart really based on? Is it based on all the hats that I wear? Is it based on the expectations of my family, my peers, my coworkers? Is it based on the pressures I put on myself?

In the midst of all these questions and analyzing them, one popped up: "Who here really matters?" Who matters in this scenario? And in asking that, I came upon, "Who do I believe in"? Do I believe in me? My family? My friends? My job? Young Life? No to all of them.

I say I believe in Jesus to myself and to other people. So if I truly do believe in Him, then what is my measurement of success? "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind...Love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:37-39).

I have come to accept that this is the true measurement of success in my life. What is hard, is how unbelievable it can be to keep this at the center of my life and to believe that this is the Truth. But as I have further reflected on it, there is no other way to measure success that brings peace to my heart and life. Because if I try to measure success based on all the other questions that I listed above, I will never succeed - I will utterly and miserably fail. I believe that life has to be measured by something more than what I do, because I can "do" a lot of things. If I measure success in my life by how much is in column A versus column B, I will never be successful. Because column B will always be longer. There will always be more to "do", more to "succeed" at.

And doing or not doing things is a lot easier than loving God and loving His people, His creation.

So I have determined that success in my life is going to be measured by how I love God and His people, His creation. If I can make it to the end of my life, whenever that may be, and say at the end that I kept the love of God at the center of my life and I loved people the best I knew how, in spite of themselves and in spite of myself, then I can consider my life to have been a success.

On The Brink

I do a lot of thinking on my drives into and from work. More so than I realize, until I start talking and begin all of my sentences with, "As I was on my way into work..." or "As I was driving into the office...". I guess there is something about the drive that puts my mind into a state of reflection. Or else, my mind needs a constant state of reflection, but I distract it with so many things during the day and night, that my drive time is the only time in which I give it a chance to stretch and think about various things.

So, as I was driving into work this morning, taking Blantyre Road, which I haven't been able to take for a while due to construction that has been going on, I kept on noticing every little thing about my surroundings. From the daffodils that had pushed their way up through the hard soil to grace my sight with their yellow color, to the fields turning from their winter brown to spring's green, to the blooms starting to appear on the trees.

The trees. The trees were really capturing my soul this morning. There was something about driving past them, seeing all of their branches in their nakedness, starting to sprout growths here and there. And I was struck by a feeling of bittersweetness that the branches would soon be covered with leaves. That in losing all of their leaves to fall and winter, a beauty of the trees were revealed to me. The interlocking and intertwining of their branches, arcing here and there, showing strength in one branch, but extreme fragility in another. They are so beautiful and such high works of art, that it is almost a shame that they will soon be covered with green leaves! And yet, how glorious they are when they are crowned with the color of rebirth.

And the thought crossed my mind, that there is some great truth in all of this, but it is still eluding my thoughts. But in puzzling over it and trying to piece it together, I find that what God is telling me is that there is high beauty in stripping us down to our core. That going through a time of darkness, a time of winter, is needed in order to reveal who we truly are created to be. That the process of "losing our leaves", enables us to come to the core of the matter. And so when rebirth comes, we remember that the beauty really comes from the branches - that life is found there - and the leaves become the glory and joy given to us from the Life in the branches.

But, Allelulia and Glory to Him who brings Spring and reawakens the earth - my heart is literally singing with joy at the glory of spring!

Blessings and Gratitude

Being in ministry is hard. There are no two ways about it. And the Young Life ministry that I am involved with is particularly hard for me, because I'm not really a "Young Life" kind of person. I'm not particularly funny; loud; enjoy watching people eat gross stuff; like getting dirty; creative; have a hard time keeping conversations going with high school girls. They are all so much cooler than I will ever be. And it's hard to be "cool" when you're so boring.

But for some reason, God has given me a heart for high school kids, especially those in Fauquier County. I don't know why, because my life would be a lot easier if He didn't give me this heart. But He has, and I can't ignore it. And so I press on through my feelings of inadequacy and guilt of not spending enough time with kids because of my work responsibilities, and continue to pursue them and do what I can.

I share all of this because in the past 24 hours, I have been blessed by seeing the effect of ministry in the lives of kids. It has been such an inspiration and I wanted a way to both share it with others as well as record it to remind myself what serving and loving others is all about.

The first girl, Janelle Leach, is one of the very first girls I ever got the chance to know when I first became a leader at Covenant High School in Charlottesville when I was at UVA. This girl is amazing. She not only has incredible talent as a hair stylist, but she has now gone on to across the Pond and is pursuing middle school girls, sharing her life with them, inviting them into her home, sharing a meal with them. It is so beautiful to see this girl, who I hadn't talked to in a long time till we reconnected via Facebook, have such a deep relationship with Christ, and such a love for others.

Second, a lot of our high school kids from Fauquier County who are now college freshmen have gone through Young Life training to become leaders in high schools. It is so cool to see them have this desire and enthusiasm to share their lives with high school kids. I pray for their journeys ahead, knowing how difficult it is, and how hard it is to negotiate through it in college. But their enthusiasm at being placed at their high schools is infectious, and inspired me.

Lastly, I was given a gift from one of my old girls who now is a leader herself - a letter from her allowing me to know how Christ had been shown to her through the effort I made to try to share my life and time with her. It touched my heart and helped me to realize that what I do is so much bigger than myself. And what is so funny though is how much this beautiful gal has given ME support and love. Her love and encouragement has meant so much to my life. So it was one of the best gifts that I have ever received to get that letter.

You know, people argue over the particular ways and means of how to minister to others. What we should share and not share. But to me, it just is so simple. We are called to love God with all of our hearts, minds, bodies, and souls and our neighbors as ourselves. I'm lucky that there are a few people out there whom I've gotten to see Christ influence their lives and then decide to go out and serve others.



On a side note, I have had several other thoughts cross my mind this past week and weekend which I keep thinking will make for some good posts, and so I hope to over the next few days give it a shot and post them - hopefully they won't take an entire day, like this one did! So stay tuned...and hope that I can remember the ideas in the first place!

Black Holes and Paradigm Shifts

Merriam-Webster's dictionary states that a black hole is a celestial object that has a gravitational field so strong that light cannot escape it and that it is believed to be created especially in the collapse of a very massive star. Today's economic climate pretty much fits that description in my opinion and it is hard to not caught up in all the swirling bad news that surrounds it day in and day out. The 24-hr news continuously reports that this company is laying off thousands of people, that company is laying off thousands more, the other one is going bankrupt, and it seems to be an unstoppable force with no end in sight. And it's not like they are wrong - it is all true. Thousands of dollars are being lost, jobs are dropping out of sight, and people are feeling a strong pinch. What started as just a housing market problem has leaked over into the entire fabric of the American economy and there is not a sector that is feeling the pinch (with the exception of the dastardly Exxon Mobil).

The thing is, I think this is going to be a paradigm shift in the spending of the typical American consumer and that business needs to adjust to this new environment if it is ever to escape the black hole that it currently is in. I don't know if regular marketing ploys are going to work anymore and I believe that social media utilizing Web 2.0 marketing tactics is the way to go. It just makes sense. I am constantly bombarded day in and day out with advertisements toting how such and such product is going to change my life. And it's everywhere - TV, internet, magazines, billboards, vehicles, emails, sporting events, movies - the list goes on and on. Honestly, where can you go where you are not marketed to? And now, not only am I tired of being constantly sold to, but I don't even have the money in my pocket to buy what I am being promised will revolutionize my life. If I spend my hard-earned dollars, it is going to be on something that I am looking for and find attractive. I want to be in the driver's seat, not riding shotgun.

That is why I believe that Web 2.0 is the way the consumer is going to go. Web 2.0 is all about information and the onus is put on the consumer's own search and research. Selling your product is not going to be about the coolest ad - it is going to be about where I can find more information and what other people are saying about the product. And the companies that can figure this out are going to be the ones that make it through this black hole.

Because this isn't a real black hole - there will be an end at some point in time. But there is going to be a lot of pain and suffering by a lot of people for a while. And more companies and jobs will fall victim to bankruptcy and liquidation before we reach the bottom. For example, even with the complete devastation in the housing market, it is amazing that there is still a glut of builders and trade contractors out there - there has not been enough consolidation, mergers, and acquisitions happening in light of the economic conditions that we are facing. This will have to happen if we are ever going to get out of this mess.

It will be interesting to see what happens over the course of this year, both personally and from an outsider's perspective. In the meantime, I am taking a lot of deep breaths and remembering that there is a sovereign God who loves me and will take care of me, if I truly believe in Him and His promises.

A Couple of Thoughts for a Wednesday

1 - Barack Obama's inauguration speech was awesome - I loved it. Whether or not I agree with his rhetoric, policies, or political cabinet picks, I have to say it is refreshing to have a person of eloquence leading the country. Never underestimate the power of words. Tony Blair is one of my all-time favorite political leaders for this reason. He had the ability to speak eloquently and think fast (watch the Prime Minister's questions on CSPAN - it's awesome!) and his speech in the immediate aftermath of Sept. 11th was the one that I think people should have paid more attention to. Barack's speech addressed a lot of the nation's fears and had a lot of truth within it and I am so lucky to have witnessed one of the most historic moments in our country's history.

2 - So beyond excited about the premiere of Lost tonight - you don't even know. I have been looking forward to this day since the last episode of last season aired last May and it is finally, FINALLY here!

3 - I am loved by a beyond gracious God, a beyond wonderful family, and an amazing group of friends. So no matter what happens in the next few months, I have remembered that my life here is not about my financial security or independence, but about walking by faith and trusting in a God who I feel I am just getting to know.

4 - Never underestimate the importance of your living environment on your mental and physical health.

5 - I love living on my own in my new apartment! I am so blessed and grateful for this gift and so excited to share it with others! So if you are ever driving by Winchester Street, please stop in and say hello!

Sunday Drives

Sometimes I like to take a drive out into the surrounding Virginia countryside on Sundays. To me, it can be more powerful than going to church - at least at this point in my life. Seeing God's creation in nature restores me, calms me, and brings me back to the heart of what life is really about. It is my escape from the realities and pressures of life and brings me joy.

One such Sunday I decided to take some pictures of my journey with my camera phone. Below are some of the images and evidence that beauty can be found in the dark bleak times of winter.

A Light in the Darkness

It has been a while since I posted anything on here. I was going to post something last week, but ended up saving it as a draft, because it was so dark and full of despair that I knew that what I was writing couldn't really be the truth.

Truthfully, ever since last Saturday, I have been on a roller coaster. I thought that my hopes for a new home were dashed for good. Then I found out during a meeting last Tuesday that the financial position of my company is a lot tougher than I thought and the tough times that I thought were getting behind us, are actually still here. It seems like a never-ending cycle of questions about where to live and what to do about my career - that I have been here before, over and over and over again. And all these things together spun me into such a state of depression that I literally went home semi-early from work on Wednesday and just went to bed and stayed in bed till the next morning. I hibernated. And though I woke up still in despair, this little quote came to me as I was getting ready to go back to work:

"The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and
hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him
that in the end, the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light
and high beauty for ever beyond its reach." ~ J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the
King

I guess I'm not that great of Christian that a Bible verse didn't come into my head, but still this was God speaking to me, saying that this is only a passing thing - this time isn't the end of the world. And though it took the rest of Thursday to bring myself out of my depressed and despairing state of mind, I got out of the darkness and hope started to return.

Life at work is still unbelievably tough and it is only going to get tougher with the summer baseball season gearing up in less than two weeks and life escalating into hyperdrive for the next two months. It is hard not knowing what is going to happen next, but I can hear God speaking to me, asking me to listen to Him, to let Him guide me in this time of adversity and to start to really believe again the love that He has for me. I can be a slow and stubborn learner, but thankfully I have an eternal Teacher who will keep on hammering me until my thick head and heart start to listen.

Writer's Block

I have a hard time articulating my thoughts. Even writing them down, which is usually an outlet for me to express what is going on in my head, sometimes just does not suffice. And so, I find that I have very little to say at all today. There are things that are going on in my life, but I don't know if I find them particularly interesting enough to throw up to the whole wide world. But since I have not posted in a while, I'll attempt to give shape to the things and thoughts in my head.

I guess the biggest thing going on in my life is that I am looking to buy a house and enter into the realm of "homeowner". I have been thinking about this for a while, and have expedited that thought process over the past couple of months and have come to the conclusion that now is the time to buy, and I can actually afford to do so - which I didn't think would be the case. But it is, and that is really exciting. I do have to say that looking at the places that I can afford has been a little disheartening, because they all require work to be done to them. As I think about it though, it could be an exciting challenge because I can tailor this place to fit me.

My biggest prayer for this place though has been that it just not be for me, but that it be a "haven" for others. I love having people over and I want people to be able to come to this place and feel a sense of peace, beauty, and refuge. The fact that I can buy a home is such a gift, and I want to share that gift with others.

The other big thing going on in my life is a restoration of my relationship with God. I have done a lot of reading lately (Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, The Little White Horse by Elizabeth Goudge, The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg) and I can just hear God speaking through the pages, appealing to my heart, and saying "See? This is what I want for you. Leave your worries, your temptations, your weaknesses behind. Walk with Me. Listen to Me." I also have been listening to John Elredge's podcast excerpts from his new book, Walking with God and those have been so satisfying and convicting to listen to. I have this feeling of being on a cusp, like I am not quite there yet, but I am getting "there" - to wherever it is that God wants me to be.

I guess I also have a lot of fear right now - fear for how time keeps slipping away (cannot believe that it is the seventh day of May already) and fear for all the things that are looming ahead, most particularly baseball. The baseball summer season always does a number on me - mentally, emotionally, and physically. Time goes into hyperactive speed and yet slows to a crawl all at the same time. People keep asking me, "you don't have to go to all the games, do you?" The answer is that I don't know - based on five years of prior history, the answer is probably yes. And yet, as much as I fear it, I absolutely love it. I don't have any good reason to love it as I do, but I just can't seem to walk away from it. Because somehow the love for summer baseball seeped way down into my pores and into my being. The crack of a wooden bat, long summer nights, lots of laughter, ammoral baseball boys, and a semi-command of the game and everything that goes into producing it, keeps me tied to this love-hate relationship.

The last major thing going on is the non-stop action with our new business venture, Signature WoodCrafters. If I'm not thinking about God, a new house, or life, I'm dwelling on WoodCrafters. I love being in the midst of this, and I love the potentials that this venture has. Things are absolutely crazy, but I would rather have crazy than bored any day. Check out the links on the side here for our webpage (which is a work in process) or blog (comments are welcome!) to see some of the new stuff that we have done! It is amazing what we have done in a few short months. And I can't wait to look back at this year and be amazed at all that I have learned and what we have accomplished together as a team with this new business.