Undone

All I can say at the outset of this post is that I hope I can capture the magnitude of all that is inside me right now - all that I am learning, and all that I have learned - about my Creator and how real He is to me these days. 

And part of me hesitates to go forth and proceed with this post.  It frankly feels awkward to write about my experiences with God.  Shouldn't I just write about, expound upon some of the awesome experiences I had last month?  Write about Red Bull BC One, or any of the other many wonderful things I got to experience?  Or crafting another tale about how there was a second mouse this past Monday?  Sure - I could do that.  But it would also be hollow and shirking one of the important aspects of this blog to me, which is to share a little that God is doing in my life.

Frankly, He has undone me.

Today in particular, I am feeling especially vulnerable to His love.  I don't know if it was the blue sky with white clouds, or the barren beauty of the trees in winter, or seeing these pictures of some friends of mine who have gone through a mighty struggle to bring their family together, or the post that accompanied the pictures, or reflecting on the true power and hope of the resurrection during my morning reading time, or processing through the meaning of suffering with the help of Philip Yancey in his wonderful tome, "Where is God When it Hurts?" during my lunch hour.

Perhaps the feelings of my heart are best summed up in this quote: "Every experience of beauty points to eternity." ~ Hans Urs Von Balthasar

How do I put into words the way my heart leaps when it sees a barren tree?  When that tree reminds me of the complicated beauty of life that lies underneath all the gloss and greenness of the leaves?  That the twisting beauty of each branch is like a thread that reminds me of my own complicated twists and turns.

How do I share the tears that spring forth when I read these following words from Philip Yancey's book on suffering and wonder if in my "Christian" sophistication I too have lost the power and hope of the resurrection and fail to share that with all those that I interact with?:

"On the day before Thanksgiving of 1983, Martha died. Her body, crumpled, misshapen, atrophied, was a pathetic imitation of its former beauty.  When it finally stopped functioning, Martha left it.  But today Martha lives, in a new body, in wholeness and triumph.  She lives because of the victory that Christ won and because of His 'body' at Reba Place, who made that victory known to her.  And if we do not believe that, and if our Christian hope, tempered by sophistication, does not allow us to offer that Truth to a dying, convulsing world then we are indeed, as the apostle Paul said, of all men most miserable."

How often I forget that Truth in my life.  That the hurts in my life, the wounds of my heart, will be healed and made anew.  And that this is the power of the resurrection - this life isn't the end.  Yes, we can begin living eternally here and now, but the wounds, the suffering, that we accumulate along the path are not the end.

This journey is filled with so many twists and turns.  In the span of one year I have gone from the lowest of lows to the highest of heights - and yet, my Father was there in all of it - even in His silences and distance.  And the thing is, unknowingly to me, Christ transformed my suffering.  He used it to reach a place of depth that I rarely visit on my own.  And because of that discovered depth, I feel the peace of His blessings to a greater degree than I ever have before.

How do I share with you, reader, the oppressive darkness and despair that covered my soul this past summer?  How do I explain the feelings of a broken heart from dashed, wrecked, ruined hope?  Praying desperate prayers, clinging to a thread of faith, though every logical fiber in my being said "what's the point?" and "is this even real?" How this was the second time in my life in which I have had a real crisis of faith?

And then how do I explain praying daily for my Lord to strengthen my hope just a few months later and rejoicing beyond words in the life that I have been blessed with?

I am so thankful.  Thankful for all that the Holy Spirit has revealed to my heart lately.  Thankful that in every experience of beauty that I have been blessed to go through, He has spoken to that hurt heart and given it healing, revealing a little of Himself in each instance.  Thankful that He was (and is) in every smile from a friend.  Thankful for a wonderful family that is as constant in their presence as He is.  Thankful that He is teaching me about real forgiveness, humility, suffering, and most of all love in all of these things - A true love that knows me - that sustained me through the dark.

So, here, at the end of this post, I hope that I have been able to communicate some of the true majesty and true mystery of my Lord.  He has undone me this year - in more ways than I will ever be able to explain here - and I will keep praising His Name, thanking Him for doing so.

A Good Book

I love reading. I love a great book and the inspiration that it can provide. And once in a while, I come across an amazing book - one that just goes above and beyond anything that I have recently read. Dallas Willard's book, The Spirit of the Disciplines is one of these books. I recommend that everyone read this book because he is saying things that I have not heard anyone say in a long time.

First, to provide some background, I have been doing a lot of reading this year on the nature of spiritual discipline and what it means to walk with God. John Ortberg's book, The Life You've Always Wanted:Spiritual Disciplines for Ordinary People and Love Beyond Reason, John Eldredge's book that I just finished, Walking With God, are three books that I deliberately delved into because this is a topic that I have been trying to understand throughout the year. I enjoy Ortberg and Eldredge and I think that they both have great things to say, and it was actually through one of Ortberg's books that I came across Dallas Willard's, as Ortberg references it as the source of inspiration for his The Life You've Always Wanted. I, being a history student at heart, decided to go straight to the primary source and read this book (primary sources being the hallmark of research for history majors :)).

Also, I usually try to read with a critical view, questioning what the author is saying. But sometimes, I cannot help but agree with everything that an author is saying and this book is one of those. I have been consistently blown away, not only by the content of what is being said, but also how it is being said. Willard is a beautiful writer on top of a being a brilliant thinker. I am only about 30 pages into the book as I have to slow myself down to really read and digest what he is saying - he is one of "those" kind of authors, much like C.S. Lewis. If I was underlining this book, it would probably be one of my books that had about every line underlined.

I want to share one of the passages that I read today because of how it struck me. I think there is truth in this, because I see it in my own life - otherwise, I wouldn't be reading about spiritual disciplines!

...But we seem hard put to understand that what is true of the foundations is no less true of the superstructure. The surrender of myself to Him is inseparable from the giving up of my body to Him in such a way that it can serve both Him and me as a common abode, as John 14:23, 1 Corinthians 6:15-20, and Ephesians 2:22 testify. The vitality and power of Christianity is lost when we fail to integrate our bodies into its practice by intelligent, conscious choice and steadfasat intent. It is with our bodies we receive the new life that comes as we enter His Kingdom.

It can't be any other way. If salvation is to affect our lives, it can do so only by affecting our bodies. If we are to participate in the reign of God, it can only be by our actions. And our actions are physical - we live only in the processes of our bodies. To withhold our bodies from religion is to exclude religion from our lives. Our life is a bodily life, even though that life is one that can be fulfilled solely in union with God.

Spirituality in human beings is not an extra or "superior" mode of existence. It's not a hidden stream of separate reality, a separate life running parallel to our bodily existence. It does not consist of special "inward" acts even though it has an inner aspect. It is, rather, a relationship of our embodied selves to God that has the natural and irrepressable effect of making us alive to the Kingdom of God - here and now in the material world.

When our presentation of the gospel fails to do justice to this basic truth about the nature of human personality, Christianity inevitably becomes alienated from our actual everyday existence. All that remains for it are a few "special" acts to be engaged in on rare occassions. The church then is forced to occupy itself only with these special acts and occassions. Through what is in reality an astonishing lack of faith, the church removes itself from the substance of life. Powerless over life, then, it stands to one side, and God is left without a dwelling place through which He could effectively occupy the world in the manner He intends.

...This failure has nothing to do with the usual divisions between Christians, such as that between Protestant and Catholic or between liberal and conservative or between charismatic and non-charismatic, for the failure is shared on all sides. It stems from something the various parties must have in common. They all fail to foster those bodily behaviors of faith that would make concrete human existence vitally complete - taking them as a part of the total life in the Kingdom of God. Just as we mentioned in the opening of this chapter, we've somehow encouraged a separation of our faith from everyday life. We've relegated God's life in us to special times and places and states of mind. And we've become so used to this style of life, that we are hardly aware of it. When we think of "taking Christ into the workplace" or "keeping Christ in the home," we are making our faith into a set of special acts. The "specialness" of such acts just underscores the point - that being a Christian, being Christ's, isn't thought of as a normal part of life.

~ Dallas Willard, The Spirit of the Disciplines, pgs. 30-32

I don't think I have ever really thought of the body as taking part in my
salvation. I have heard the Great Commandment, "Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, your mind, your body, and your soul", but I don't think I have really understood, or even given much thought to, how to love God with my body. How do you really worship the Lord with your body? So, in reading this, something clicked deep inside of me - light bulbs went off - and I am beginning to get it. I am very interested to discover what other hard truths lie ahead - but I believe that it will be worth it.

Writer's Block

I have a hard time articulating my thoughts. Even writing them down, which is usually an outlet for me to express what is going on in my head, sometimes just does not suffice. And so, I find that I have very little to say at all today. There are things that are going on in my life, but I don't know if I find them particularly interesting enough to throw up to the whole wide world. But since I have not posted in a while, I'll attempt to give shape to the things and thoughts in my head.

I guess the biggest thing going on in my life is that I am looking to buy a house and enter into the realm of "homeowner". I have been thinking about this for a while, and have expedited that thought process over the past couple of months and have come to the conclusion that now is the time to buy, and I can actually afford to do so - which I didn't think would be the case. But it is, and that is really exciting. I do have to say that looking at the places that I can afford has been a little disheartening, because they all require work to be done to them. As I think about it though, it could be an exciting challenge because I can tailor this place to fit me.

My biggest prayer for this place though has been that it just not be for me, but that it be a "haven" for others. I love having people over and I want people to be able to come to this place and feel a sense of peace, beauty, and refuge. The fact that I can buy a home is such a gift, and I want to share that gift with others.

The other big thing going on in my life is a restoration of my relationship with God. I have done a lot of reading lately (Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, The Little White Horse by Elizabeth Goudge, The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg) and I can just hear God speaking through the pages, appealing to my heart, and saying "See? This is what I want for you. Leave your worries, your temptations, your weaknesses behind. Walk with Me. Listen to Me." I also have been listening to John Elredge's podcast excerpts from his new book, Walking with God and those have been so satisfying and convicting to listen to. I have this feeling of being on a cusp, like I am not quite there yet, but I am getting "there" - to wherever it is that God wants me to be.

I guess I also have a lot of fear right now - fear for how time keeps slipping away (cannot believe that it is the seventh day of May already) and fear for all the things that are looming ahead, most particularly baseball. The baseball summer season always does a number on me - mentally, emotionally, and physically. Time goes into hyperactive speed and yet slows to a crawl all at the same time. People keep asking me, "you don't have to go to all the games, do you?" The answer is that I don't know - based on five years of prior history, the answer is probably yes. And yet, as much as I fear it, I absolutely love it. I don't have any good reason to love it as I do, but I just can't seem to walk away from it. Because somehow the love for summer baseball seeped way down into my pores and into my being. The crack of a wooden bat, long summer nights, lots of laughter, ammoral baseball boys, and a semi-command of the game and everything that goes into producing it, keeps me tied to this love-hate relationship.

The last major thing going on is the non-stop action with our new business venture, Signature WoodCrafters. If I'm not thinking about God, a new house, or life, I'm dwelling on WoodCrafters. I love being in the midst of this, and I love the potentials that this venture has. Things are absolutely crazy, but I would rather have crazy than bored any day. Check out the links on the side here for our webpage (which is a work in process) or blog (comments are welcome!) to see some of the new stuff that we have done! It is amazing what we have done in a few short months. And I can't wait to look back at this year and be amazed at all that I have learned and what we have accomplished together as a team with this new business.