Thoughts for a Rotten Wednesday

First of all, I probably shouldn't be posting any kind of blog post about my thoughts this week because I generally try to stay away from blogging, or Facebooking, or any kind social media communication, or really any kind of communication at all, when I am in a rotten, depressed kind of mood because people generally take it the wrong way.  And I also don't believe in expounding ALL of my thoughts and feelings in Web 2.0 form.  So suffice to say, though I am having a rotten day, augmented by rotten, dreary, rainy weather, I will not dwell on the rotten state of my being for the rest of this post, and instead focus on the few things and thoughts that have crossed my path this week that I find worth spreading the word about.

1 - The concept of hope has been something that I feel has been coming across my path for the past couple of months.  To be honest, I've never really understood what hope is about - much like I never really understood what the concept of a heart was until I was enlightened through some of John Eldredge's texts.  For someone who can have a hard time in dealing with the abstract at times, something as nebulous as "hope" has always sounded like an empty sort of optimism - like it is a tireless attempt to always be positive and always an attempt to find the silver lining in whatever circumstance you find yourself in.  But I'm learning that hope is much, much more deeper than just a half-hearted attempt to see the bright side of things.  Through various readings I've run across, this concept of hope is slowly revealing itself to me.  One reading that I want to pass along is from a dear friend, Emily Thompson.  Her latest blog post poses some great questions and thoughts about hope.

2 - I've just recently started reading Donald Miller's blog and I have to say that I'm really enjoying it so far.  He had a really interesting post today about whether not our personality influences our theology.  Check it out and leave him a comment!

3 - Lost Thoughts:  First, I think you should check out Jeff Jensen's "Countdown" post on EW.com.  It is one of his better posts and thoughts about what is going on in said Lost world.  Second, I think the Willy Wonka poem that they are using in the promos offers a clue as to what is coming in the next few weeks.  Here is the verse in total:

There’s no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going…
Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of hell a-glowing?
Is the grisly reaper mowing?
Yes, the danger must be growing…
And they’re certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing!

Isn't that great?? I think it pretty much sums up exactly how I feel about these final episodes - I have no way of knowing where we are going with this thing.  I'm just along for the ride at this point.  I have heard that some people will die before the show's end and here's my prediction for the next major death - Kate.  I don't think Ms. Austen is going to make it off the island, which sort of resolves the Kate-Sawyer-Jack love triangle, by removing the main element of the triangle.

I also don't think that Desmond is dead - I don't think Sayid shot him.  I don't think that FLocke appeared as Christian Shepherd to Jack - in fact, I don't think FLocke is any of the "ghosts" that have appeared on the show.  And I think that the real John Locke's soul is still within his body that the Man In Black is apparently inhabiting and maybe there is a war going on within his soul, a la, Stephenie Meyer's "The Host". 

4 - I hate answering the telephone.  Especially on a rotten day in which it seems to ring incessantly. (Whoops! Sorry, my rotten mood snuck in there - my apologies.)

5 - This past weekend I got to take a group of high school girls to DC.  I really had no agenda for the day, other than to go visit the National Gallery of Art, which I'm sure they were all dying to go to :).  But something that I've always heard, but honestly have rarely done, is that as part of "contact work" with high school kids, invite them along with you to something that you were planning on doing - even if it's a mundane errand like laundry.  Well I decided that I wanted to go into DC, and so invited them along, and wonders of wonders they all wanted to go!

Then the fun part started...

As we were Metro-ing into the city (and sitting in crowded trains waiting on track delays), the girls came up with a game among themselves in which if they didn't answer a question correctly, they had to ask a stranger to do something with them - like, ask 5 strangers for a high-five.  This quickly evolved throughout the course of the day from just a dare to assigning each of us with a task.  I just let the girls run with it - they were being much more creative than myself and were having a great time coming up with these tasks.  They assigned me to get a stranger to do the "Bend and Snap" with them, a la Legally Blonde.  I wasn't sure that we were actually ever going to do our assigned tasks - the girls were talking and talking about it the whole day.  But then, as we were walking on the National Mall, one of my girls took it upon herself to make her's happen, and promptly got a photo of a piggyback ride on a stranger's back.

The gauntlet was laid.  I knew that we now had to make this happen and everyone had to get in on the fun.  Please note - it is not in my personality to ask random strangers to do random things and take a picture of it.  But really the Holy Spirit must have taken over because there was an infusion of confidence and boldness that took over and helped the girls to accomplish their tasks.  It was an unexpected opportunity to lead them in something outrageous - something that only usually happens at Young Life camp.  It was so fun, really cool, and helped build a memory for these girls that we will always have.  It may not "look" like anything about Jesus was talked about, but believe me when I say, He was there.  That's probably the coolest thing about being a Young Life leader - you get to see Jesus show up in the most unlikely places and at the most unlikely times.

5 - More MuteMath love...they released a beautiful new song called "The Fight".  Check it out.




And that friends is all I have for this week.  Sorry for the rotten mood diatribe - this Thoughts for a Wednesday caught me in a funk. And so I'm taking Scarlett O'Hara's words to heart today..."After all...tomorrow is another day!" 

Back to Posting!

This fall has been one for the ages, or to borrow a phrase from my high school friends, "epic".  I have gotten to do so many amazing things, create some awesome relationships, and limit my descriptive vocabulary to "amazing" and "awesome" because I'm so overwhelmed by all that I have gotten to experience.  Over the next few days, weeks, I hope to be able to break down some of my thoughts on the fun stuff that I have gotten to experience, as well as get back in the habit of posting on this blog regularly.

Just to highlight some of the awesome things I'll be posting about:

1 - Being in the THIRD ROW from the STAGE at RED BULL BC ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Greatest night of my life to date.  Check out this video...



2 - Seeing U2 live, fulfilling a lifelong childhood dream.

3 - Going to the MuteMath concert, which was probably the most crazy and awesome concert I've been to...unbelievable - I had no idea or expectations of what to expect and my mind was blown.

4 - Getting to see Muse open for U2 and being one of three people in the stands shamelessly dancing away to their songs.

5 - Experiencing the virtuosity of both Lang Lang and Joshua Bell, masters of their respective instruments and superb performances.

6 - Actually watching Cate Blanchett live, bringing Blanche DuBois to life on the stage in A StreetCar Named Desire - so powerful and moving!

7 - Writing and performing "Two-Minute Twilight" for YL Club...was kind of awesome

8 - Having great momentum at Young Life and getting to know some of the crazy (but awesome) kids that have been coming to club - for the first time ever, I feel excited for summer camp next year..

9 - Pulling off impossible work tasks that were thrown at me literally last minute before big events that we were doing or participating in...

10 - Having my sister HOME!

11 - Knowing that God has been lifting me and carrying me through all the crazy, amazing, awesomeness of this fall.  And knowing that He was with me through the depressing doldrums of the summer, just as He is with me now in this time of abundance and blessing.

And I end this post with this thought, because reading it this morning on my wall I realized it's truth in my own life this year:

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  And we rejoice in the HOPE of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And HOPE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT US, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."
~ Romans 5:1-5

It Just Keeps Piling On....

Oh blog, bloggedy, blog, blog. I have been meaning and wanting to post thoughts, feelings, and reactions to a myriad of things for a while, but the demands of summer, life, and living with Jesus have been pretty pressing as of late. I hope to post some thoughts up here soon though about my completed trip to Young Life camp, as well as some other things that have been ruminating, marinating, and rummaging around in my head. I am beyond grateful for a 3 day weekend this weekend, and hope that by the time I emerge from it, I will be a little bit more rested for the chaos of next week - which looks to be one heck of a ride! Sorry for only posting twice last month - that is a new all-time low. But be sure, as always to check out Ruminations and Reflections. I'm much better about posting up over there :).

Blessings and Gratitude

Being in ministry is hard. There are no two ways about it. And the Young Life ministry that I am involved with is particularly hard for me, because I'm not really a "Young Life" kind of person. I'm not particularly funny; loud; enjoy watching people eat gross stuff; like getting dirty; creative; have a hard time keeping conversations going with high school girls. They are all so much cooler than I will ever be. And it's hard to be "cool" when you're so boring.

But for some reason, God has given me a heart for high school kids, especially those in Fauquier County. I don't know why, because my life would be a lot easier if He didn't give me this heart. But He has, and I can't ignore it. And so I press on through my feelings of inadequacy and guilt of not spending enough time with kids because of my work responsibilities, and continue to pursue them and do what I can.

I share all of this because in the past 24 hours, I have been blessed by seeing the effect of ministry in the lives of kids. It has been such an inspiration and I wanted a way to both share it with others as well as record it to remind myself what serving and loving others is all about.

The first girl, Janelle Leach, is one of the very first girls I ever got the chance to know when I first became a leader at Covenant High School in Charlottesville when I was at UVA. This girl is amazing. She not only has incredible talent as a hair stylist, but she has now gone on to across the Pond and is pursuing middle school girls, sharing her life with them, inviting them into her home, sharing a meal with them. It is so beautiful to see this girl, who I hadn't talked to in a long time till we reconnected via Facebook, have such a deep relationship with Christ, and such a love for others.

Second, a lot of our high school kids from Fauquier County who are now college freshmen have gone through Young Life training to become leaders in high schools. It is so cool to see them have this desire and enthusiasm to share their lives with high school kids. I pray for their journeys ahead, knowing how difficult it is, and how hard it is to negotiate through it in college. But their enthusiasm at being placed at their high schools is infectious, and inspired me.

Lastly, I was given a gift from one of my old girls who now is a leader herself - a letter from her allowing me to know how Christ had been shown to her through the effort I made to try to share my life and time with her. It touched my heart and helped me to realize that what I do is so much bigger than myself. And what is so funny though is how much this beautiful gal has given ME support and love. Her love and encouragement has meant so much to my life. So it was one of the best gifts that I have ever received to get that letter.

You know, people argue over the particular ways and means of how to minister to others. What we should share and not share. But to me, it just is so simple. We are called to love God with all of our hearts, minds, bodies, and souls and our neighbors as ourselves. I'm lucky that there are a few people out there whom I've gotten to see Christ influence their lives and then decide to go out and serve others.



On a side note, I have had several other thoughts cross my mind this past week and weekend which I keep thinking will make for some good posts, and so I hope to over the next few days give it a shot and post them - hopefully they won't take an entire day, like this one did! So stay tuned...and hope that I can remember the ideas in the first place!

A "Capitol" Weekend

This weekend was one of the best weekends I have had in a long time and was so encouraging and uplifting.

It all started with an email on Friday, when the Kennedy Center sent me an email stating that it had $20 orchestra seats available for its concert that night. After debating with myself all day, I decided to go ahead and go to the concert and enjoy an evening of classical music on my own instead of sitting at home in my dark house watching some movie or junk on television. I was so glad that I did make that decision, because the concert was sublime. There was a solo cellist performing a Prokofiev concerto, and I have never seen anyone play with that intensity and passion in my life. Prokofiev, being a Russian composer, rifles his works with drama and complexity anyway - the additional breadth of extraordinary musicianship was therefore remarkable. Absolutely incredible.

But I think what was even more incredible, was that after giving that performance, the cellist went on to perform in the next piece with the orchestra. Something about a soloist's willingness to sit within the back rows of the orchestra and play with them in the following piece, spoke to me of this man's humbleness and sheer love of playing beautiful music. It has something to do with the fact that this amazing musician became part of the bigger picture, the bigger sound - stepping outside of himself for the sake of the music - that really spoke to me. It kind of hits on the thing that I was blogging about last week - this feeling that I am supposed to be something more (thanks by the way to everyone for posting your thoughts - very insightful stuff and truthful stuff - I've been clinging to it). This musician is that "something more" but yet, for the sake of playing more music, takes a back seat in the back row, to play with the orchestra and let others shine.

Anyway, on Saturday, I returned to the city with a group of coworkers to sight-see and visit the museums. What a gorgeous day in the city! And it was a good thing too, seeing as we walked our little legs off around the city!! :) I somehow always manage to do that - walk a lot further than I intended, in the worst shoes possible for walking long distances. I also was kind of disappointed in the Natural History Museum - it was like a never-ending fifth-grade diorama scene or an ode to taxidermy - that the cool things that were there got lost in the midst of all the bad displays and bad arrangements of the amazing things that are there. But the beauty in just walking through the city afterwards made up for the cheesiness of the museum. It is also really awesome that there is so much you can do for free in DC (though they make up for the "free" admission by charging outrageous prices on food - the margin they must make on food must be incredible!!). I hope to make it back there soon.

Saturday, before heading into the city, I helped out at the Warrenton Food Bank at the Methodist Church. Apparently Young Life helps out with this every month, but this was my first time doing it. I also almost didn't go and sleep in instead, but a little voice (God) kept telling me to get up and go and work at this thing. I am glad that I did. It is good to be reminded of all the different people that live in Warrenton - that in our little, predominantly white, middle-class suburbia, utopian town, there are real people living in real poverty. Especially after reading the Glass Castle, I am thankful that I got to help people living in these conditions in a very, very, very small way. Most of my volunteer service work is in YL ministry, so it was very beneficial to participate in something outside of YL - as one of my friends said last night, the kingdom is way bigger than just Young Life, and participating in this helps remind me of that truth.

Yesterday was spent in driving around the country observing all the different signs of spring coming to life throughout the landscape. I really cannot wait till it comes! Golf, here I come!!

I also spent the other part of the day in Bracket analysis and research (bracketology) with my dad - I really, really want to win my company's pool this year. I came in third my first year, and then was knocked out last year, so I'm hoping for a much better showing this year. Any advice is much welcome and will be analyzed to the fullest :)! Company pools aside, I am really excited for March Madness - this is one of my absolute favorite times of the year - nothing beats a good college basketball game! Here's hoping some of my low seeds come through for me!

[Insert Creative Title Here]

First, I want to give a shout-out to my buddy Josh Hayden, over at Moments of Recognition. He has been blogging about some really thought-provoking, heavy theological stuff that is apparently been going on in Young Life that I had no clue about. Josh has been great in posting about this issue and though I don't have a complete grasp on what the issues are, I appreciate the discussion and thinking that the discussion provokes. It is always good to examine the reasons behind the things that we do. The way that my brain works is that it necessitates that everything I do have an ultimate purpose behind it - a big-picture view. I can't do things (and often stubbornly resist) without seeing the "why" behind it. Which is why I appreciate Josh's posts - they have been helping me to think through issues that contribute to the big picture of YL ministry in my life. So, many thanks Josh!!

Second, I think I have a serious problem with accepting change in my life. I have always found it difficult to adjust to change - I think the fact that the first big change in my life was so awfully traumatic, it has created this underlying wellspring of resistance to change that I often have to fight against. Like my split personality, I have completely dichotomous feelings towards change - on one hand I love it because it adds new things to my life and keeps things interesting. On the other hand, when things occur that frustrate and stress me out as a result of change, I hate it.

So much change has occurred in my little provincial town life recently and I am having a hard time adjusting to it all. I lost one roommate and added another in the space of a day essentially. And I haven't taken the time to examine how I feel about it all, but I know that there are residual issues lying underneath the surface that I don't want to confront.

I'm losing two teammates and face a complete abscence of volunteers to take their place. I am having a really hard time thinking about adjusting to their loss because of how much they have added to the team.

Work is a plethora of changes - from the acquisition of a stair and rail company, to dealing with the loss of my baseball coworker, to just the day to day changes that must occur in order for our business to thrive. And these changes I have just been dealing with and not really processing either.

I just am having a hard time all of the sudden adjusting to everything that is going on around me. So I want to be like my friend Seth over at Thunder Sword and be depressed about life and how I cope with it. :) Can't things just return to normal? Whatever normal was?

On the road to being a "Meaningful Specific"

Well, now it's time for a more upbeat post, one that has to do with goals.

I still don't have these all figured out, but this is what I'm going to pursue for at least the first half of '08:

1. Buy a new car. I may actually get this one done by this weekend, unbelievably. This is something that I've been thinking about and researching for a while, and I've put the wheels in motion to make it happen, so that's a good start! I've just had it with my car and though my baby has been very, very good to me, it's time for a new one. It's kind of sad to think that my Corolla will be gone, but the vanishing of the fear that my car is going to blow up driving down the road will be most welcome!

2. Start a small group with my YL girls. I think that I've lost sight of what my ministry is supposed to look like. It's not just about the events that we put on on a Monday night. It's supposed to be much deeper than that. It is so easy for me to use busy-ness at work and the craziness of kids' schedule as an excuse to not do anything. So I want to be very intentional and get this started this year.

3. Read More. I am a TV-holic. It is so easy at the end of the day to go home and numb the brain with whatever is on the tube. But there are SO many books out there that I want to read (which if you are a friend of mine on GoodReads, you know this well!).

4. Establish discipline in my life. This is a lofty goal, because it kind of covers at least three subsets:

a. Reading my Bible daily with a daily QT - the most I ever learned in my walk with Jesus was my 4th year in college, when I practiced this. I don't think the correlation between the two is a coincidence. I've waffled in this since moving back to Warrenton, so it's time to really try and stick with it.

b. Exercising - Ugh. It's not that I don't like to exercise, because when I do it, I'm glad that I did it. It's just the fact that in the war that goes on in my head between laziness and exercising, laziness usually wins. I guess I just need to aim for baby steps with this one.

c. Disciplined thinking - My brain goes a million miles a minute, from one thing to another to another. My head often feels like a cluttered mess, with all these "things" crowding and swimming around and it often leads me to do nothing because I'm just jumping from one thing to another. This is particularly bad at work and makes me very unproductive, because when I can't focus on what I need to do, I just end up suffering the internet and reading most every news story out there. So I need to become better at just thinking - organized thinking. Lists, etc.

5. Figure out how to go to Italy and Young Life camp and handle my baseball responsibilities. There's just gotta be a way to do it all.

6. GOLF!! This is one hobby that I really want to get better at. There are at least three golf tournaments that I will participate in this year, and I would like to have fun and hit that ball a long distance, straight and true. So, taking a lesson will definitely be on the docket, as well as using the passes to VA Oaks that my boss gave me as a Christmas present! I'm going to start by practicing how to yell "Fore!"

7. Work - I just need to figure out how to reconcile the two different aspects of my job: Baseball and Signature. I love both and I can handle both, but there might be an opportunity staring me in the face with baseball that I could seize if I want to - being the Northern Virginia Youth Baseball Czarina kind of sounds impressive, but might give me more grey hairs than I can handle! In the end, I just want to be able to be productive at work and start feeling like I'm accomplishing something, which I think will happen once I start down the path of disciplined thinking.

I think that is it for now...those are good goals for the first half of the year, don't you think? (Now to print these out and post them on my bulletin board so that I remember to do them!)

Spiritual Warfare - The Reality of Christ and Satan

You know, one way to "test" the realness of Christ is to be in ministry for Him. And especially when you are about to do something significant in ministry for Him.

I am a Young Life leader at a local high school in my hometown and last night it was my turn to give the "talk" or the "message" at club last night. This is the point in club in which, for the last 5 to 10 minutes, we get to talk about Jesus and what He has done for us in our lives. My talk was on the topic of Need - how we all have a need for Jesus in our lives and that nothing short of Christ will ever fill the desires, the holes in our hearts. Giving the talk is not my forte. I am not a strong public speaker and when I get in front of a crowd of people to talk about something I get really nervous and feel like my voice is completely shaky and weak and that what I am saying does not make sense. In short, I cannot give the talk on or in my own strength - it requires all the power of Christ within me and in the end, whether it is successful or not, it is because of Christ and my surrender to Him.

This particular talk I had been struggling with all week. I had been germinating ideas and trying to figure out what passage in the Bible would work well, but I wasn't able to solidify any of it until the eleventh hour Sunday night and yesterday morning - with the threads coming to together on Sunday and the writing it out yesterday.

I also was housesitting this weekend (and last week), and had to leave the house where I was staying yesterday morning. So after finishing my talk, I got myself ready and all packed up, and started taking some of my stuff out to my car. And when I opened my front driver side car door, I see glass everywhere and a huge boulder sitting in the front passenger seat. I was in a state of disbelief and shock. At first I thought that it was just a complete and random act of vandalism, but I realized today that something was stolen from my car - obviously not that important since it took me so long to realize it - which kind of makes it more logical to my head and (this will sound strange) easier to stomach. But I was a wreck with the initial shock and the "What do I do?" I hate feeling and being helpless in situations like these, but thankfully I have the wisdom of my dad who helped me figure out what to do, as he often does in times like these.

But in the midst of cleaning up all the glass I had to pray and pray hard to not let this distract and frazzle and stress me the rest of the day. I realized that whoever did this to my car, didn't know about Jesus our his or her need for Jesus, and that is exactly why, or at the very least, why I had to give my talk to my high school kids - so that they did not end up as vandals destroying and stealing people's property.

Then, all day, I was supposed to meet with my boss. But we didn't end up meeting until 6pm - which meant that I had to miss Campaigners. But then we didn't finish until 7:30pm - which only left half an hour for me to race to Club. It's the way things work with me and my boss and any other night it would have been completely fine and not a stressing point - it was just the fact that I was giving the message! But again, I prayed and God heard me - I asked to not let this frazzle and stress me, and it didn't. I was definitely running on adrenaline, but it all worked out for the best (besides me realizing the fact that I am seriously out of shape!).

And then finally, finally I gave the talk and it went well. It was the most that the kids have paid attention during a talk, and that is through no power but Jesus's. I can't claim any credit, because He was there and the kids were tracking with what I was saying. The nervousness was there in my voice, but God was there in spite of it.

So despite the attempts of Satan to get in the way and thwart my peace of mind in the process of giving my talk, Christ's power, which has already conquered Satan and all evil, prevailed. I got to really lean on and experience His power and grace, which is funny, since that is exactly what the topic was at YL leadership on Sunday night. Coincidence? I don't think so.