Monday, April 28, 2008

So...What if I Don't Want to Listen?

Sometimes I get really annoyed with God. I don't want to listen to what He is trying to tell me - even when He uses a sledgehammer to get through my thick brain/flesh.

So the fact that all I have been reading and listening to lately has to do with listening to and for the Holy Spirit is annoying. I intellectually know what I need to do to listen to God. I know that I should listen for Him and look to Him for what I need to do and where I need to go. And I know that all the guilt that I am feeling would probably dissipate if I did actually listen to and for Him. And I know how much more incredibly rich and fuller my life would be if I was actually listening.

And yet, I still find it incredibly easy to ignore Him.

What is my problem? I think I just find the path of laziness so much easier to follow (or actually, fall into - because the word follow implies action, and my problem is inactivity) than the path of dedicated listening. I think I'm also scared of what He has to say. I don't know why. It's not like the times in which I have listened to Him before He has asked me to shave my head, wear an itchy robe, and live in the desert. Yet, I still feel some trepidation.

I guess in the end, my feelings of guilt will drive me to start listening for His Voice, and I will be better for it - but I find myself in a period of resistance right now. If only I were more holy...

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