An Episode of Epic Proportions

Disclaimer - This entire post is dedicated to this past Monday's episode of the Bachelorette.  For those who don't watch, I am sorry.  For those who did watch, there are lots of other better recaps to read - check out ew.com and ihategreenbeans.com.  But for the crowd of people who should have been in my living room with our eyes popping out of our heads, rolling off the couch laughing, covering-our-faces-with-pillows-because-i-can't-believe-my-eyes-or-ears-right-now, this is for you.

To reveal or not reveal - that is the question

I have been watching the Bachelor/ette franchise for a long time.  Every season they promise me an episode that is the MOST DRAMATIC EPISODE EVER and once in a while they actually deliver (For instance, Jason Mesnick's bait and switch comes to mind pretty quickly), but more often than not it is just the same ole' storyline rehashed in some creative way (and yet I still will always watch - always!).  So when Chris Harrison was blowin' up my twitterfeed with promises of "You are not going to believe tonight's episode" and like ilk, I was hesitant to believe him.  From the previews it just seemed like it was going to be relegated to one skeevy guy breaking the Bachelorette's heart, and I'm sorry, but I've already seen that done (umm, hello Wes, Justin "Rated-R", and skinny-jean-emo-hipster-wannabe-Frank).  Oh me, of little faith.

The Far East Movement, best known for the hit song "Like a G6"

First off the episode opens up with Ashley borrowing an oversized one-shoulder top from Ali's season and whisking kind of cute Ben C. off to a dance studio in her ABC-rented-from-Hertz's-luxury-line BMW sedan in which she can barely see over the top of the steering wheel.  And should we ever forget that, yes she may be studying to be a dentist, but her true passion will always be dance, we are treated to Ashley teaching poor Ben C. how to "pop a bottle" and sway this way and that.  I give Ben C. credit because he gamely plays along, popping a bottle and what-not, until they are all of the sudden in a park with hordes of people staring at them sitting on a blanket.  Ashley then makes poor Ben C. get up and dance to no music.  Ben C. asks "seriously??"  Seriously poor Ben C., seriously.  All of the sudden, as if out of the blue, America's new favorite past time, flash-mobbing is taking place!  So fun!  To the classic tune of "Like a G6" (By the way, were they referring to a Pontiac? That's the only G6 that I know of...)!  And ohmygosh, there is a band all of the sudden appearing out of nowhere called "The Far East Movement" (I think it may have something to do with their Asian heritage? Just a guess)!  So fun!!  And while the Far East Movement has everyone waving their hands in the air, Ashley and Ben C. just sway back and forth to the music, until their date progresses to dinner in which Ben C. shows his true-hopeless-romantic-unrealistic-expectations-for-a-real-relationship colors.  It's cute and Ashley, the most unconfident Bachelorette ever, gives him a rose for saying all the right things.

And then - then there was the BIG REVEAL of our masked man.  I hope the Emmy people were watching, because this my friends was an editing masterpiece.  First our man appears on the balcony overlooking the driveway that will soon be hosed down for the Bachelor Pad premiere.  A dramatic shift in mood is signaled by the soaring organ of doom.  While the organ is intoning in the background, our masked man, aka "Jeff", tells us that he is going to "reveal himself" to Ashley today (I apologize if any images of men in trench coats just wormed their way into your heads by use of that word choice.  Those were "Jeff's" words, not mine).  So "Jeff" pulls Ashley aside prior to everyone heading out on the group date.  A hawk nearby swoops through the scene and alights upon a post.  A squirrel scampering about the grounds pauses for a second (I'm really not making these details up).  And then this happens.



If only it had been this dramatic!  The mask reveal was so anticlimatic and revealed just a normal-looking guy, with nice blue eyes, who then dramatically said, "Hi, I'm Jeff", which revealed his dramatic-dork side.

With that now out of the way, we proceeded to go upon the "group date" which turned out to be a roast - another term for "what idiot thought it was a good idea to subject the least self-confident bachelorette in the history of the franchise to jokes about her to her face".  I'm not going to go into too much detail about this other than to say that William is a freaking idiot and I really couldn't believe all the flat-chest references the guys decided to make.

And then there is Bentley.  Bentley, who after he did not get the date rose on the group date, even though he suffered through half-attempting to comfort Ashley and putting up with her crying, decides to leave because he feels like he has duped everyone in the house and he just doesn't want to play the game anymore.  So he packs his bags, tells the camera that he is going to make Ashley cry, and that his hair looks good.  Sorry ***hole, it doesn't.  Truly, even if I hadn't known from the get-go that Bentley was there for the "wrong reasons" I would not have found him very attractive.  I just can't wrap my head around WHY Ashley was SO devastated by him leaving, other than the fact that it played into her worst fears about being on the show in the first place - that the guys didn't want to be with her.  But whatever.  I can't go any further into this - mainly because I need to stop writing and go to bed.

I just want to end this with the best line from Our Host Chris Harrison, who was amazing - "Was it the idea of Bentley that you loved? The fact that he was forbidden? Because if a guy wanted to be with you, he would have moved heaven and earth to be with you!"

Preach it Harrison. Preach it.

PS - I can't end this post without mentioning something about the barely covering her assets dress that Ashley was wearing with a 90s metal choker.  I mean, really wardrobe? Why in the world would you let her wear something like that?  But why am I asking rhetorical questions about the Bachelorette yet again? Will I never learn.  I don't know.  I guess that is as open-ended as "dot, dot, dot."