Thursday, October 25, 2007

Swirling Thoughts

Do you ever have those days in which thoughts just circle around and around in your head and there seems to be no rhyme or reason to them? In those times I have to force myself to write them down, so that in the midst of the craziness that is going on in my head, I have some sort of outlet to express myself in. And so here are some thoughts that have been swirling recently:

1. Life a Small Town:
My life in my little small town is something that I both rage against and can't seem to leave. There are times when I feel desperately all alone, with no one around in the same situation. There are like three or four single people in my group of friends. Everyone else is in a relationship, married, or has kids - which is beautiful and wonderful. It's just not my lot in life. And when it feels like the walls are starting to cave in, with everyone moving away, the loneliness creeps in.


But, there is God. There is Jesus. And I know that part of my loneliness stems from the fact that I still look for other people, other things to fill the hole in my heart. And I know in my head that to do so is foolishness. There is nothing else that can fill me but the Lord and His love. And in neglecting that relationship, the loneliness will of course feel immense and desolate because I am not allowing the One that I was created for to live inside my heart. Still, knowing that does not lessen my wish to be around some people that were in similar stages in life.

2. Turn Ahead:
If only I could figure out what that turn is supposed to be. Is it a move? Is it a job or position change? Is it finally figuring out what I'm passionate about? Do I go back to school? I miss school a lot.

I am craving some sort of direction here. I thought that I was getting it last month, but now I am not so sure anymore. I just know that something needs to flippin' change.

3. Into the Wild:
I still am passionately in love with this movie and am going to go see it again sometime soon. There is just something there that I can't explain - it is one of those things that you need to experience for yourself, or else you just won't get it.

4. Pacey Returns to TV:
Thank the Lord - Pacey (Joshua Jackson) is going to be on Grey's Anatomy this season. It doesn't get any better.

5. Seasons Turning:
Though I love Fall, I am sad that is officially upon us. It makes me bittersweet. Nature is ablaze in all its dying glory, because the leaves that turn colors are essentially dying. There is a metaphor in there about our life and relationship with God, but I can't think of it right now. I will have to look up a journal entry in which I reflected on that metaphor for more thoughts. But I think the thing that gets me the most about Fall is the fact that it now turns dark so early. I hate early darkness. And it makes me sad because just a few months before, I was sitting out at a ballfield at 8pm, watching the sun set behind center field. I think I have seasonal affectiveness disorder.

1 comment:

Leah said...

I wish I had some deep answers but instead I just read your blog & nod my head understanding that it's never clear & never easy. At least you can say you are Chad Collie's boss. I do have to say my favorite part of the post was the note about Dawson's Creek. Although I tend to favor the O.C. I do love any good teenie bopper t.v. show. We miss you Lauren. Post more often...Seth & I like to read them.