Reflections on Fall

I know that fall is almost over, but I came across this reflection that I wrote about a year ago when I was reading back through some of my old journals, and I really like it, so wanted to share it (please forgive the run-ons and lack of grammar...). It was written when I was housesitting out in Amissville, as I was sitting outside on the back porch of the house.

Lord,

I feel as if I am in Narnia Lord. It is so perfectly and devastatingly beautiful right now, gazing out into a sea of green, shades of green, when the world and nature enter this season of passing away; when the trees, instead of glorifying in their strength and beauty, fall and fade into the passing of the season with dignified forbearance. In this last gasp of life, nature, the earth, bursts forth in a flurry of color and warmth, as if to remind us that in death, abundant life is found. The winter, no matter how long and how cold, cannot hide the life that courses underneath it forever.

The mountains rise in the background, gracing the scene with tangible icons of forbearance. Their timeless beauty and grace stands firm, unmovable, with wisdom and knowledge, whether crowned with the greenness of trees or the blanket whiteness of snow.

And coursing through it all is the primal pulse of all living things. The symphony and cacophony of crickets, beetles, birds, and all other insects. Flowers bloom in all their beauty, not ready to succumb to the inevitably of the season around them. And the sun; the beautiful, glorious, life-giving Son; the sun that provides all warmth and light shines its life-giving rays upon all - made bearable by the wisps of wind that breeze through it all. It rustles all leaves, lifting and gently depositing those that have succumbed to death; those whose brief, glorious life adjoined to the branch, has now passed. They will no longer dance with their brothers and sisters because that part of their journey is over. Lifted from the branch, one leaf here, one leaf there floats on the currents of the wind - whether or mighty or soft, and comes to the next phase of its life.

There is a deep magic here. There is a power felt in it all - whether sheer power or love or both, it is mysterious and incomprehensible. It can only be felt and admired and awed. It can only be delighted and reveled in - it is revered. It is revered and loved because its Creator is in all these intangibles - it is the ray of beauty that parts through the clouds - it is the breeze that brushes through my hair and past my face - it is the joyous noise of an unhindered laugh - it is the grace and steadfastness of the mountains - it is the beauty of death and the pain of life - it is the incomprehensible but deeply felt mystery of all the earth that shines in its primordial state.

It is beauty unscathed, untouched by all the awful things that have corrupted life. It is God -God in all His awesome glory and unnerving power and mysterious love. It is past all understanding and reason and can only be felt on soul-baring love and level. There is no understanding this confluence of beauty, death, life, warmth, light, whispers, grace, and forbearance. There is only the heart and the heart cannot put words to the awesome wonder and beauty that God's creation gives to God. Nature worshipping its Creator and the Creator continually gracing and loving His creation. There is no shame, no guilty, no constraints.

Each piece of creation sings forth the song of its purpose and nothing can deter it from doing so - no internal or external force plays upon it, no will manipulates it from its path. It only obeys the will of God and God in turn gives it beauty because of its obedience.

A couple quick reflections on ice-skating...

I had the unintended pleasure this Saturday of going to the ice rink at the Sculpture Garden at the NGA and watching the people skate around for a little while and during the course of watching and observing these people, I had a couple of favorite people:

1. The guy who kept wiping out - this guy was absolutely hilarious and I fell in love with him because he had the heart to keep on trying to skate on, even though he had to have a death grip on the ice rink's railing! There was this one point in which there was a little kid in his way and he had keep one hand on the railing, while reaching around the kid with his other to grab onto the railing and not completely wipe out. There were times that even while holding onto the railing, he would completely wipe out!! It was hilarious and amazing and awesome and gave me a living example of why we should have a good sense of humor, humility, and lots of gumption to keep on trying when we completely wipe out, even when it is in front a ton of people!

2. The couple making out on the ice - It was romantic and one of those moments that felt like it was from a movie, so this particular PDA elicited that "awww" that lives in every girl's heart. It semi-reminded me of the movie Serendipity - one my girl movies.

3. The dad trying to skate while holding one kid in front and another in the back holding onto him! - Again, one of those moments that elicited that "awww" that lives in every woman's heart. And it also made me laugh seeing the other little one clinging onto her dad's back pockets so that she didn't fall down! It was beyond cute.

4. The pros flying around the ice - there will always be those that "fly around" us, no matter what profession or sport or thing we attempt. There is always someone that can do it better and make it look effortless in the process. While there is a certain beauty in that effortlessness and you admire the skill, I have more admiration for the guy who kept on trying even though he completely lacked any kind of skill at all.

5. The joy of the crowd - it is just fun to see that many people enjoying themselves so thoroughly and fully. I wish there were more crowds of people enjoying themselves like that, with pure fun.

A Map and Guide for along the way...

A couple of weeks ago I went to Charlottesville for the day and had one of the best days with the Lord - one of those kinds of days that I have been longing for for so long. One in which through reflection and quiet hours spent by myself, I felt that I saw things in a new light and with new understanding. And though I feel a little trepidatious opening up to the world my thoughts and prayers, I wanted to share this, since it has been an important realization along this Road that I am walking on.

Oct. 28th
Dear Lord,
This is the day that my heart has been longing for. And yet again, it is found here in Charlottesville, in my favorite garden, on a most beautiful, glorious, sublime day. All of nature is in harmony and the only noise is that of the birds, or the squirrel rummaging for food, or the chipmunks rustling in the underbrush, or the wind breezing through the leaves. There are the occasional sounds of people's voices or cars or even the train whistling through the town. But it is silent. I feel silent, at ease, at rest, and I can hear You. I can feel You Lord. I feel You in the warmth of the sun beating down upon me, or in the coolness of the breeze that wisps around me. I can feel You in my heart, reaching for me, asking me to come into Your arms and rest my lonely heart in Your loving embrace. I feel as if the journey has temporarily stopped because I have realized I am walking in circles and I need to look at the Map. I need to study the Map and realize that I cannot find my way without It. Without the Map, I am journeying nowhere, expending my energy in a quest with no end. I can explore many paths on my own, taking each twist and turn in stride, but I will never know when those paths meet the Road, if I don't look at the Map. And the other thing is, I need the share the Map. I need to share the Map with others that I encounter on my journey - no matter where they are in their own. Because for some reason their paths have intersected mine. And because of that, I want to and need to share with them the Map that I have. And maybe, as I meet these people they will help me to better understand the Map. And maybe they will help me to turn down a path I had never considered before.

I think though I oftentimes mistake people on the path as the Map. And for that, I ask for Your forgiveness Lord. That is replacing people for You. That is seeking to fill the need and loneliness in my life with others and not You. Please forgive me Lord. For that is sinful. I ask for Your mercy and forgiveness for seeking and wanting people to fill my life, when in fact it is You and You alone that I want.

And Lord, not only are you the Map, You are also my Guide. You are my Guide on this journey, the One who seeks to walk with me along the path. And when I am thinking correctly, I let You guide me. But these past few years, with a couple of months' exception, I have been walking on my own, not looking for my Guide.

But I am here now Lord. I have stopped. I need to stop, before anymore of this journey goes by. Three years God. Three years Lord Jesus have I been walking, mostly on my own, with an occasional glance at You. I have cried out many times, but rarely have I really looked for You.

And I ask again for Your forgiveness. I am a lowly, lonely sinner Lord. I am one of the worst sinners there is. The guilt and shame of my many transgressions are always before me. And it is because of them also and the shame I have over my weaknesses that I have ignored You. Please forgive me God and please remind me every day that I am forgiven only through Your grace, love, and mercy. I cannot boast of my salvation - I have done nothing to earn or deserve it!! But I can boast of You and Your great power. It is only through Your power, Your grace, Your mercy that I a sinner can walk on the paths You have laid before me and look to You as my Guide and my Map. You alone can fill that need, just as You alone can fill the loneliness that racks my heart.

I love and trust You always - Amen

A Conductor and an Epiphany

Last night, as part of my day in DC, I went to a performance of the National Symphony Orchestra. Of all the pieces that they played, the most stunning and sublime was a performance of Rimsky-Korsakov's Scheherazade. Incredible does not even begin to describe it - it is one of those things that you have to experience in the moment and words do not suffice afterwards.

The most fascinating thing though while watching the performance was how my eye was constantly drawn back to the conductor. Even during the soloist performances throughout the piece, I kept watching the conductor. There is something so memorizing about the conductor to me. Perhaps it is because during my long love of classical music, I become so familiar with a piece of music that I sometimes pretend that I am the conductor, bringing in the different instruments at the exact time, creating the mood of the piece, setting the tempo of the performance.

While watching the conductor, and simultaneously wishing that I was a conductor, I realized that is what I want to do - I want to be the conductor! I don't want to be the violin virtuoso or the lead soloist - I want to be the conductor, directing the piece of music, bringing all the instruments together to create one harmonious sound. I don't like too much dissonance in my works - but a feeling of harmony, of lushness, of power, of such majesty that it gives you goosebumps when you hear it. I want to be the one directing the big picture. I know all the pieces and the instruments and I see them working together as a whole. I respect my soloists but I also need all the other parts of the orchestra to make the piece work. No one instrument or person is ultimately more important than the other. I am the guide for the work - I make the orchestra come together as one.

That realization, coupled with my experience in Italy this past year, is evolving my thinking and helping me to realize that I want to be a leader and that I can be a leader. I want to be a leader that brings people together to work as one whole, a team of people to create something of beauty and greatness. A leader that works through the dissonances to create a magical harmony that gives goosebumps to those that experience it. A teacher that can guide the soloists into one body. A big picture visionary.

A bend in the journey? Or a sign that is along the way? Whichever it is, at least I feel some definitity...

The Inspiration of Project Runway

One of my absolute favorite TV shows is Project Runway. Ever since I got hooked into this show, back in Season 2, I have been a diehard fan. I love it. There are so many elements that go into making this one of the absolute best reality shows out there (it should have won the Emmy, not Amazing Race, no matter how much you like Phil Keoghan!). Some of my favorite things about this show:

1. The Creativity - I cannot imagine what it would be like to be in a room with all of these creative people. They are all visionaries and are able to execute some of the wildest things I have ever seen, with materials that I can't imagine ever, ever being used for clothing. I would absolutely love being in the room with these people, though I think the reality-prone, practical side of my brain would start to kick in if confronted with an overwhelming dose of creativity.

2. The Judges - I love, love, love Nina Garcia, Michael Kors, and Heidi Klum. I don't always agree with their assessments, but I love their personalities and critiques of the designers.

3. Tim Gunn - I'm sure there are people out there that think Tim Gunn's appeal is overblown. It's not. He is such a good mentor and critic and always wants to see the designers succeed in their challenges, but he's not afraid to offer them advice on their designs or construction of their pieces. His phrase, "Make it Work!" is a priceless challenge to everyone, no matter what line of work you are in - figure out how to make it work!

4. The designers - I don't think there is a more eclectic bunch of personalities on one reality television show than this bunch of people. Some are divas, some are bad-asses, some are genuinely nice. But they all have strong personalities - they are the kind of people, that if you met them at a party, would probably be at the center of several discussions. There aren't too many wallflowers in this bunch!

5. The fashion - I just love it. I love seeing the dresses and collections that these designers come up with. It can be incredible, it can be awful. But it is inspiring to me to see what they pull off - and then whether or not I am inspired by their creations to come up with something of my own!

I am such a dichotomous person - I love both fashion and sports, classical music and alternative hip-hop, working hard and being lazy, history and business. No flippin' wonder I can't figure out what path I'm supposed to take!